If I Knew
by Chibi Tanny
Summary: I would like to dedicate this fic to Ztarlight!!! This is my Christmas gift to you Ztarlight, so I hope you like it!!! and for everyone else here the summary... From Gaz's point of view, it is about how she feels when her brother is dying...


Disclaimer:  
  
The Slayer: Gee GirChic, I wonder what makes Invader Zim so MUCH better than other cartoons like it?  
  
GirChic: Well Slayer, in my opinion, I would say it would be the artwork!!! Michelangelo himself couldn't of done a better job!!!  
  
The Slayer: Do you even know who Michelangelo is?  
  
GirChic: Yes, no wait, NO!!  
  
The Slayer: Not that I'm an expert nor do I own Invader Zim, but if ya ask me...  
  
GirChic: Which I haven't asked you...  
  
The Slayer: I would say it is so great because it's um......CLEAN!!! Yes that's it clean!!! *Run out of the studio and comes back with a spray n' wipe bottle* See they use: SPRAY n' WIPE!!! GirChic, I think Rocket Power should take notes, ya know I learned French back in primary skool and I'm pretty sure if you spray this stuff on ants backs......they'll DIE!!!  
  
GirChic: OOOOOOOOOOO, I've gotta get me some of that!!! And LOOK!!! It's even anti...ba...bac...bacterial!!!!   
  
The Slayer: Their secret is: SPRAY n' WIPE!!!   
  
  
A/N: This fic/poem thingy of doom, is from Gaz's prospective and her views about when Dib is in hospital and is dying, and please don't hurt me because of that certain thing that starts with 'D' I do to Dib!! I love him TOO!!! Blame GIRCHIC!!! For I have no idea why, just blame her, I always do ^-^ (I don't really blame her but she was there and it can't be my fault cause it's NEVER my fault!!!) And guess where I found the poem??? I found it on the back of my mother's staff school newsletter, weird place to find it no?  
  
  
  
The Slayer: Okay now for the dedication bit, I would like to dedicate this fic to Ztarlight, because her fics always make me laugh and because she is my first American Email Bubby (Whether she wants to be or not!!!)This is my Christmas gift to you Ztarlight, Merry Christmas ^-^. I hope you don't mind a sad fics.   
  
  
  
  
If I Knew  
  
  
  
By The Slayer  
  
  
  
  
/If I knew it would be the last time that I'd see you fall asleep,  
I would tuck you in more tightly and pray the lord your soul to keep.  
If I knew it would be the last time that I'd see you walk out the door,  
I would give you a hug and kiss and call you back for one more/  
  
  
I stared in the hall mirror; the house stands in an eerie silence as the last inhabitant prepares to leave for the next few hours. The mirror glinted as it was bathed in the silver moonlight, which shone in from the window and was the only light that skipped about the house. The rest of the house was dead, dark and lifeless, just how I felt. This feeling I felt so often it has become part of me. I'm falling into a black hole and there's no one to save me from the loneliness that is engulfing me and wrapping its icy fingers around my neck choking me in depression and self-hatred.  
  
I sigh the only noise to break the silence. I slipped my game slave 3 into the depths of my pocket; I always thought it was my game slave's security that was the only thing ever to pull me out of the black hole, but I fear that maybe it wasn't that. Even though I have only just realized this, but it wasn't the game slave that kept me from falling into a never ending depression, no the security of someone always being there; is what kept my flame alive and I took it for granted, now I must pay for my foolishness once again. God is truly making me pay for my blindness, how could I have not seen it before? The same thing happened to mum and I swore I would never let it happen again, but just look at me now.   
  
Without another word I leave the houses depths and head down the street towards the hospital, I adjust my jacket the night air was especially crisp and not to mention chilling tonight.  
  
  
/If I knew it would be the last time I'd hear our voice lifted up in praise,  
I would videotape each action and word, so I could play them back day-by-day.  
If I knew it would be the last time I would be there to share your day,  
Well I'm sure you'll have so many more, so I can let just this one slip away/  
  
  
The gentle tapping of my boot as they connect with the pavement was the only sound that could be heard in the deserted street. I could feel the presents of someone else about, but I did not worry; I just went on my way. I never thought Dib's little friend could actually kill, sure I knew he was an alien and that but he was really bad at what he did. I guess he got lucky this time, which is not what I can say for Dib. I should have been there, I could have saved him and maybe he would be here right now and not in the hospital fighting for his life; it's all my fault. It's all because of me that this happened, I could have stopped this from ever happening. Now all I can do is hope that he is strong enough to survive for another day, for now I am truly paying for my oversight.   
  
I cross the highway and enter the building that so many enter and so few return, this was going to be his fate and I' am powerless to stop it. It's like a glass window, so I may look and observe what is happening but I could never pass through so aid in anyway, the glass window that separates me from him; the healthy from the weak.  
  
  
/For surely there's tomorrow to make up for an oversight,   
And we always get a second chance to make everything right.  
There will always be another day to say "I love you"  
And certainly there's another chance to say "anything I can do?"/  
  
  
Many nurses and doctors rush about the quarters, taking care of the sick and injured. I move weaving my way through the mobs of people and into a much quieter section of the hospital, the I.C. Ward was where my older sibling was spending his last few days. A few nurses watched me as I strolled past, they watched me in pity than in curiosity. They knew who I was, I had been coming everyday for the last week. Has it been only that long? It seemed like forever that Dib had been blown to pieces, time seems to slow down at a time like this. The heavens mock me by prolonging my own suffering and guilt, maybe I deserve this punishment for not being a good sister and daughter. I really don't know what's right anymore and I'm lost in a world of darkness and despair, with no north star to guide me safely home.   
  
My stomach twists into knots as I approach the room that claimed my brother and was threatening to take him away from me forever. The room is bathed in the flickering lights of the machines trying desperately to keep the young boy alive, a boy so fragile and sick that he is hardly recognizable to his own sister. But that ever-constant beep was the only thing reassuring me that he was indeed still alive. I never knew how much I really depended on him before now, but I know what I have to do and I know it is what he wants me to do.  
  
  
/But just in case I might be wrong, and today is all I get,  
I'd like to say how much I love you and I hope we never forget.  
Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike,  
And today maybe the last chance you get to hold your loved one tight/   
  
  
I walk silently over to his bed; already I feel the tears welling up in my eyes threatening to spill over my checks. Oh god he has lost so much weight, he looks so hopeless and longing for peace, just staying alive is pain for him. The look on his face tells me everything, he is sleeping to peacefully it is a shame to wake him up. So instead I take his hand and pull a seat up to the bed, I brush my face over his warm and fragile hand and as the tears spill over I remember the times before mum died. We never really bonded all that much but when we did, it was unforgettable that I can still feel the warmth of his embrace even now. All the memories come rushing back into my head trying to reconsider my intentions, but I cannot after he asked me. I know it's now or never if I am going to do this, now my tears are in full swing and I am begining to sob softly. I stand up my gaze is blurred by my slaty tears of eternal sadness and guilt, I gather Dib up for the last time in my arms and whimper softly. I can't do this, I'm not strong enough.  
  
"You can do it, you must Gaz," came a tiny voice from the frail form in Gaz's arms.  
  
Startled I cried out, "Dib?!"  
  
"Gaz, I need you to do this one thing for me, please," Dib eyes were full of pain, but it was quit interesting on how he knew what I was thinking.  
  
"I can't Dib," I pulled back for a moment, so I was able to gaze down at my brother.  
  
"Please Gaz, there is no use for this resistances anyway, your only prolonging your pain too," Dib breathed weakly.  
  
"Oh, Dib, I'm so sor..."  
  
"Gaz it is not your fault and never will be your fault," again he read my mind, "Do you hear me?"  
  
"There's so many things I want to say," I turned back to my brother, but realized that he had used all his energy up and again he slumbered.  
  
My pale face was now red and wet from my tears, I gave him one more hug and turned to the life-support machine. This is where I play god; I walk up to the device grip the power lead and with all my might I pull the plug...  
  
  
/So, if you're waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today?  
For if tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day.  
That you didn't take that extra time for a smile, hug or a kiss,  
And you were too busy to grant someone what turned out to be their last wish/  
  
  
I race to his bedside, his chest slowly retracting up and down which I could see was becoming ever more harder to do. Dib's breathing became shallow and he began to gasp for air, my sobbing had now transformed into soft wailing and I lean down and kissed his forehead and I whispered as softly as I could.  
  
"I love you."  
  
I stand up straight and wipe away my tears, I head for the exit but something grabbed my wrist and prevented me from doing so. I gazed down to the source of this prevention, it was Dib and as he gasped for his breathe he whispered something only I could hear.  
  
"I love you too."  
  
Then all of a sudden he stopped breathing and his grip lighten and he let go of my wrist, his eyes slowly closed and he had the most peaceful look on his face.   
He was gone and at peace at last, no more pain, no more suffering, and I am left here to carry on living this lonely life by myself.  
  
I whimper and head down the long white corridor, all the while ignoring the droning beeeeeeeeeeeeep and all the nurses and doctors as they rushed in and out of Dib's room. They are too late; no one can do anything now.   
  
I will never forget you Dib, though I have realized this too late you were my rock, the only person I could trust, you were the one to comfort me when mum died, you held your head high for me and I will love you forever. Now you have gone I have no rock to hold me up, so I must learn to stand up proud and strong just like you and as long as I can remember, your spirit will never die. For you will always be in my heart, now and forever...  
  
The End  
  
  
The Slayer: Come on GirChic, get as many bottles of Spray N' Wipe as you can!!!  
  
GirChic: MMMMMMMMMMMM!!! Spray N' Wipe tastes good with Cheese and fuzzies!!!  
  
The Slayer: Okay 0.o  
  
GirChic: Well, it look like it's you guys and gals turn to do something!! Review for The Slayer and then you might get lucky and santa might bring you some spray N' Wipe for Christmas!!!  
  
Ztarlight: YAY!!!!!  
  
  
The Slayer: I hope you guys and gals liked it... 


End file.
